


The Other Side Of Fear

by Kissa



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Assumptions, Boys In Love, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Harley Quinn - Freeform, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Jace Wayland Deserves Nice Things, Love Confessions, Lovely, M/M, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Protective Alec Lightwood, Secrets, Their Love Is So, Virgin Alec Lightwood, cuteness, movie date, virgin Jace Wayland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 17:08:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29612676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kissa/pseuds/Kissa
Summary: Jace and Alec felt a special connection from the moment they met, but it takes them a long time to work through their hang-ups so they can face each other and admit to how they feel.Together, they discover that the best things await on the other side of fear.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Comments: 7
Kudos: 21





	The Other Side Of Fear

**Author's Note:**

> The movie has already been released ages ago (2020) but: spoilers for "Birds of Prey (And The Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)"!

One day, Jace’s life changes course abruptly. In less than twenty-four hours, he sees the man he thought of as his father get killed before his eyes, and before he can even start to contemplate what to do with his unexpected freedom, Robert Lightwood shows up, gives a speech and takes him to New York.  
  
When he arrives, he says very little in the first few days. The others give him space, and he can hear their whispered assumptions about trauma and how he was raised.  
  
But soon he is done assessing the Lightwoods and he determines they are not a threat to him.  
  
Maryse is controlling and ambitious, but she is easily placated, because she loves results and recognition. Robert is just there, following Maryse around like a well-trained corgi.  
  
Izzy is fiery and has a mind of her own, but she has a great heart, filled with goodness and love. An asset as well as a blindspot.  
  
And lastly, lurking in the shadows and easily overlooked, is the quiet and shy Alec, who starts to shake when he feels eyes on him and doubts himself every step of the way, but who shows an immeasurable amount of strength of a different kind, which puzzles and fascinates Jace.  
  
Alec is easily pulled into Jace’s orbit and soon, they become inseparable. Though Jace may be younger, he is more advanced in the skills the Lightwoods expect their kids to master. He has to make a mental note to stay away from the bow because that is Alec’s one place where he can shine and, as Jace sees soon enough, if he were to take one in hand as well, Maryse would immediately have a term of comparison to find Alec lacking against. So Jace stays away from Alec’s weapon and distracts everyone from that detail by being the absolute best at everything else.  
  
Life with the Lightwoods is less filled with violence and brutal tests for Jace, but it has significantly less freedom.  
  
His father used to take Jace out to dinner, to the opera or to the movies among mundanes. He took Jace to the hospital, to the morgue, to the police station, to teach him how to move through the world unseen and how to blend in.  
  
Mundanes may not have special powers like the Nephilim or magic like the downworlders or the demons, but they can be relentless, clever and cruel. The perfect instruments for Jace to discover his limits with; to see which ones he should be wary of and which he could push or bend. 

The Lightwoods, like all old and prestigious Nephilim families, have an unspoken disdain for the mundane world and everything coming from it. Jace is internally shocked to see how little Izzy and Alec know about the world at large. And while he falls in line with the rules of his new family, at least on the surface, Jace reserves the right to carry himself and dispose of his free time as he best considers it will serve him long term.  
  
Alec has become his shadow in the last few years and Jace allows it because he figured Alec out a long time ago. The boy grew attached to him because Jace was an outside authority whose opinion for some reason counted even more than that of his parents, and Jace gave him more shit when he failed, but he was also fair and praised his qualities or noted his improvements.  
  
Jace didn’t start to pay close attention to Alec because he considered him his pet project, but because of the new and unexpected strengths he saw in the other boy. From the get-go, Alec showed complete disregard for the one rule Jace’s father branded into his memory for all time: to love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed. Alec was soft and gentle, kind and caring where many others would have hidden their fear and incompetence behind a mask of martial roughness. He was there when Jace screamed himself awake from nightmares. It was his bare feet making tell-tale sounds on the cold stone floors as he came to sneak into Jace’s room and into his bed, to hold him and soothe him even as Jace himself couldn’t wake up from the vivid nightmares. But then he would suddenly feel the setting change, and the inescapable reality of his training with his father would morph to something harmless, like the times in between martial arts sessions when Alec _iratzed_ his injuries or taped his hands before a sparring match. Winter nights dissolved into sunny summer afternoons, and Michael Wayland’s cruel face was replaced by Alec’s smile. And even on the occasions when Alec couldn’t wake Jace up and cut his nightmares short, his mere presence, snuggled up to Jace’s back and pulling him close to his chest, worked its quiet magic without fail.  
  
It quickly becomes obvious to Jace that Alec’s devotion to him has shifted into something else. It’s in Alec’s eyes when he stares at him while they shower after training or when he thinks Jace is too busy to catch him looking. It’s there all the time, and at first Jace worries, because he knows how dangerous to love is, and how little clue Alec has about the big, scary world outside the Institute walls.  
  
But Jace doesn’t expect to feel the unsettling tug on his heart as well, so when it hits him, he has Alec in a headlock on the training room floor and the emotion washing over him rattles him to his core, making him release Alec at once and run out of the room like a bat out of hell.  
  
They become parabatai, and it’s Jace’s idea. He hopes to gain, if nothing else, the occasional power-up in battle, being able to have Alec’s back in combat, and maybe having Alec watch his six too - but more importantly, he views the parabatai bond as a loophole. Because to love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed, but that always assumes there’s two people involved. And if he takes Alec as a part of himself, then… then that horrible rule won’t apply to them and Alec won’t suffer the same fate as his falcon. 

And maybe, just maybe, underneath the justifications and the rationalisations, Jace will get the peace of mind of knowing the person he holds most precious in the world is safe from the curse of loving someone who cannot love and should not be loved.  
  
He still keeps his habit of escaping to the mundane world to look at movies and stay up to date with events.  
  
Unbeknownst to him, Izzy and Alec have a theory about his frequent disappearances.  
  
Alec can feel in the bond that Jace is having a great time, feeling carefree and happy for a few hours, and besides, they are at that age, as Izzy points out. Of course Jace would be the first to go out and taste the perks of being an adult. Or at least trying to pass for one.  
  
Alec assumes Jace started to have sex with girls and the bouts of happiness he feels in the bond must be the girls’ doing. He has looked at pictures in a book in the Institute library, and one day Izzy came back from the club with a Bravo magazine that Alec also read with avid curiosity.  
  
A part of him dreads the day when Jace inevitably brings home a girl he got pregnant. But on the other hand, the thought of a mini-Jace running around the Institute fills Alec with all sorts of fuzzies. He is so lost in his little “theory” that it never occurs to him to question it, much less Jace.  
  
Alec also doesn’t question where Jace gets his in-depth knowledge of mundane culture from. He is used to Jace knowing everything before any of them, which proves invaluable when it comes to tracking demons and figuring out what they are up to among mundanes.  
  


* * *

  
Alec is twenty and he hasn’t kissed anyone. Nor has anyone expressed any interest in kissing him. He usually has no problem with that, except when he thinks of how many boyfriends Izzy has had already and how many girls Jace must have slept with. When he compares himself to them, he does wonder if there is something wrong with him.  
  
But even if something were wrong with him and no one liked him, Alec would still be alright with it. Because Jace likes him. And he can feel it in the bond, like a sort of sunny mix of contentment and joy radiating towards him from Jace’s end. In time, he’s convinced himself this is how Jace feels for his parabatai, because, Alec supposes, he is useful and he has never given Jace a reason to feel disappointed. So far. If one were to ask his mother, it is never too late for him to be a disappointment, usually when not fucking up matters the most.  
  
He worries that soon, his secret will be exposed and Jace will hate him for it. Not for being gay, but for wanting even more than was so generously given to him. He carries Jace’s soul inside him, just like Jace made room for Alec’s inside himself. There’s no higher or more heavenly bond allowed to mortals, and yet… Alec dreams of Jace kissing him, taking his hand in his and telling him that he wants him, that he only wants him. None of those silly mundane girls. He lays awake at night, with his eyes closed so he can picture Jace atop him, pushing his layers off and looking at him with love and desire in his eyes.  
  
But those are mere fantasies, and Alec feels stupid for having them. Jace is straight, though he never announced it as such - but then again, who ever has to announce they are straight? It’s just a matter of not disproving the assumption.  
  
Alec carries this hurt inside him, that he masks as anger so that he doesn’t feel so powerless about it.  
  
But one evening, when he is about to go to his room and possibly cry himself to sleep because of how exhausting the whole month was, Jace walks into his office and parks one buttcheek on his desk.  
  
“Get your coat, we’re going out. You need to get out from among all these stacks of paper.”  
  
“I need to finish at least these... “ Alec protests. “Jace, you don’t know.”  
  
“And it’s a good thing I don’t. But I would be a selfish and shitty parabatai if I left you to run yourself ragged with all this. It’s Friday evening. I’m taking you out even if I have to fight you on it.”

“I don’t even have the energy for that.” Alec gives in.  
  
At least Jace now wants to spend time with him, instead of with some girl.  
  
They arrive to a well lit cinema and Alec is a bit on edge, because that looks like the kind of place where demons hang out - lots of people, darkness, the possibility of all sorts of vile activities being carried out.  
  
But a summary scan of the venue tells him no one is there for demon stuff. There aren’t even any Downworlders.  
  
It’s mostly women, some couples and them.  
  
Jace handled the tickets and the snacks and when he arrives back to find Alec, showing him to their seats, Alec raises an eyebrow. Jace bought them a loveseat. Comfortable, but also… more intimate.  
  
They have a big bucket of pizza-flavoured popcorn and big drinks. Jace got Alec a big Sprite and he got himself a Fanta, which again has Alec surprised. He would have assumed Jace would go for a beer, at least for himself.  
  
“What are we watching?” Alec asks. He’s never been to the movies, but he knows, at least in theory, how this works.  
  
“Birds of Prey. It has Harley Quinn in it, and she’s my favourite. You will love her, you’ll see.”  
  
Alec doubts he will love a girl with pigtails (he’s seen the poster), but he loves Jace, so he humours him.  
  
He does end up liking Harley, because, like Jace, she was abused in so many ways, and while it left its marks on her, it also made her a special kind of strong. He can see why Jace loves her, and how he lives vicariously through her, especially when she shoots up a whole precinct with a confetti cannon and when she gets a power-up during a fight from a cloud of cocaine enveloping her. And especially, Alec feels, when she feeds the illegal exotic pet trader to Bruce. He knows the story with the falcon and he knows Jace would still have vengeance for it if it was still possible.  
  
His favourite part of the movie experience though, is Jace putting an arm around him and bending it so his fingers can absent-mindedly play in Alec’s hair. And from this close, Alec can smell Jace’s skin, the citrusy, clean baby scent he’s grown to associate with Jace.  
  
The bond also tells him that what Jace is feeling, that hours-long euphoria Alec always thought is connected to being with girls, is nothing more than his parabatai escaping his immediate reality for these few hours.  
  
“Jace, is there a real reason why you took me along this evening?” Alec asks, as soon as he realises this is Jace’s feelgood ritual, which he decided to share with his parabatai, at the risk of being told it doesn’t help or being laughed at.

They are walking slowly, side by side, on the dimly lit sidewalk, and Jace takes Alec’s hand in his, his fingers lacing themselves with Alec’s, a sign he doesn’t intend to let go for a while.  
  
Alec gasps, but doesn’t dare to make a sound.  
  
“Alec, I’m in love with you. I have been for a while, and I know you love me like that too. I wanted to show you we can be together like you and me, not just as soldiers who happen to be fighting side by side. You taught me there’s no substance to my father’s teachings about love and that some things are worth being vulnerable and taking risks for. Alec, you’re my biggest weakness and the source of my power. Will you be mine, in every way?”  
  
“How could I not be? I’ve been yours since the moment you walked into that training room when we were kids.” Alec says, his voice trembling from tears that are threatening to spill. “And I don’t care if the Clave says we can’t because we’re two guys. I just feared… I never said anything because I feared you’d hate me for wanting to be more than parabatai. I guess I never dared to think you’d love me in that way too. No one else did.”  
  
“Yeah well, everyone else is full of shit. They don’t see what I see.” Jace says. “I see _you_ , and to me, you’re perfect.”  
  
Around them, the scenery changed and they are now crossing the small historic cemetery on the way back to the Institute.  
  
Their lips meet with the precision of endless repetitions, and Alec thinks that imagining it so many times was sort of practice.  
  
Jace feels like a fool for having denied himself this for so long. Caressing Alec’s lips with his is definitely the most delicious thing he’s ever experienced and he wants more, always more. Not that he could even think of stopping, when Alec’s little appreciative sounds spur him on so effectively.  
  
When they finally part for air, their eyes are sparkling and their lips are dark red and glistening, mirroring their desire for each other.  
  
“Have you… I mean, what I felt must have... “ Alec stammers, unsure, but then he catches himself. “I assume you’ve done this before and you know what to do, because I… well… um. Didn’t.”  
  
Jace shrugs and grins.  
  
“Nope. But I do know what to do, and the rest we’ll figure out together.”  
  
“Aren’t you worried?”  
  
“About what? I doubt I can get you pregnant, although I feel you won’t object to my trying really hard.” Jace says, dodging Alec’s playful punch directed at his nearest arm. “And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt we are going to have the most amazing sex. The angels will be taking notes, because whenever you and I do something, results never disappoint. Besides, I am physically incapable of messing up.” He says, winking.  
  
They could stay on a bench in the cemetery and make out until dawn, if it was only up to Alec, but Jace has more interesting things in mind and for that, they need to book it to the Institute.  
  
One day, if Alec has his way, he will be able to walk the streets of Idris with Jace’s hand in his and no one will say anything because it will no longer be something out of the ordinary. For once, the future doesn’t look that bleak anymore. Being born a Nephilim gave him a cause he's ready to die for, but being loved by Jace gave him a reason to live for.  
  
(the end) 


End file.
